I've been scared of writing a new blog entry for almost a year now. Honestly, sometimes life gets too tough and it's really not easy to write about it.  I had to take a step back, re-assess, re-create, and implement change. It's what good teachers do, but it definitely takes it's toll.

At the beginning of last school year I was super excited to begin a new adventure.  I was venturing out into new territory,  joining the movement in hip hop education that seemed to have swept the nation. I had my classroom re-modeled as a hip hop room.

I learned about rhythm and rhyme and the evolution of the rap world.  I read about Tupac and researched deejay equipment.  I recruited local hip hop artists and started encouraging my students to come out of their shells and get on the mic.  At first it was really incredible to watch their excitement.  The music drove them, the lyrics inspired them, I could see the passion in their eyes. I could feel the excitement vibrating through the air.

In no time at all I was lost in the lust, the inspiration, the lyrics....as well as the utter devastation and destruction that went along with it.


I watched in horror as the positive and empowering 'bubble' that I had spent years creating slowly started to deflate.  Over the next two months I struggled to keep my head above the water.  My intent had been to draw on the positive side of the hip hop industry.  The wordplays, successes and empowering lyrics.  However, I quickly realized that this was not the side of the hip hop industry that my students were interested in.  They couldn't get passed the negative side.  The drugs, the violence... the degration. I was being sucked dry.  All of my energy and all of my passion left my body.... and I crashed and burned.

I literally burnt out.  My flame went out.  I went home one Friday and I didn't go back. After fifteen years strong...I didn't show up on Monday....indefinitely.

It's funny because I can't even count on two hands how many people had told me over the course of ten years that I needed to start putting myself first."You need to slow down". "You have to put yourself before your students."  "You have to take steps to make sure your mental health is taken care of". Blah Blah Blah....that's all I heard.  I actually had no idea what healthy coping even was, and I spiraled out of control for a good 15 years. From addict husband to addict students.  I was so lost in crippling codependency that it wasn't even funny, and I thought I had it all under control.


I turned first to my doctor and a random therapist. After a while,  when I had finally kicked the pills that my doctor felt were necessary, I turned to mindful meditation. I was on a  journey to find the mental stability that I didn't know I didn't have.  Unfortunately, I had to push my students to the side.  I couldn't answer their calls or messages, or help them, or talk to them....I couldn't even think about them. When I finally succeeded in only focusing on me... I found myself.

I found myself.

My classroom this year is a far cry from the hip hop home of last September.  I have a lot of the same students, and I have a back room full of deejay equipment that still inspires them.  However, we begin our school days in a completely alternate existence.  It's a lamp lit room filled with sweet aromas and calming music.  We speak of our anxieties, our needs, our hopes, our dreams... and we meditate.  It's three weeks in and I'm already noticing massive changes in the focus and the disposition of my students.

This year my classroom is going to change the lives of so many people. I was changing lives before I even stopped to think about it. Obviously the more I understand about my own mental health...the more I can share, change, mold, and inspire.   I am completely committed to practicing mindfulness and sharing the power of focus with my students.

I don't think that I've ever had it exactly right (the practice of positively influencing young minds I mean), but I think that for now, I'm the closest I've ever been.....and that's pretty damn close.