He had truly changed his behaviors completely over the last year; he was the poster boy for my program. He loved school, he was thriving, and I was so proud of him everyday. Then, in an instant, everything changed. There was a gun...police...his life, my life... upside down. My poster boy could no longer attend class, and graduation will not be the same.
I know I preach about attachment in the alternate system and the need for teachers to take on the role of parent...I truly believe that this works. However, when a student is ripped out of my hands because of societal regulations and rules, I have to question my own system. At this point my attachment becomes toxic because I can't give my support at the time when I am needed the most. How completely unfair. I preach that I am there unconditionally, and then when society tells me I can't be there, I am forced to be neglectful. I had a very difficult time with this, and he suffered more than I did.
I questioned my teaching, I questioned my strategies, I questioned my beliefs, I questioned my job. I definitely mourned my loss. However, I quickly picked myself up....I had 15 other students who needed me.
A few weeks later, another student walked into my classroom at 9:15 am, he was angry and rude, as he usually is for the first 20 minutes of the day. I was alone with this boy in the kitchen. His bagel had just burned and I popped it up. I told him his bagel burned and he blew up on me like I was his worst enemy. He was so rude and hurtful and he called me a bitch…I had to turn away. I said, (looking the opposite direction) “you don’t have to be rude to me, I’m nothing but nice to you.” I walked out of the kitchen into my classroom, and he walked out the opposite door and into the rain; into a total downpour. He was gone.
An hour later, as my entire class was engulfed in art projects and the radio was pumping, this boy appeared in front of me in the classroom. He asked to talk to me. I brought him into my office and he lost control crying. He was sobbing into my shoulder. I could feel his tear drops running down my neck. He cried and he talked about his group home parents, and his real mom, and his whole life. He has so much pain.
It was right then that I realized that the only people in his life that he feels attached to are only in his life because they are working shiftwork (including me). I cried too. He ended with saying, “and I’m hungry and my shoes are wet.” Even though he was still crying when he said that, we both found the humor in it, and we laughed together. As I cooked him something to eat and dried is shoes, I thought about this boy’s day. Lucky I was there... Lucky I cared...Lucky I was attached.
A couple of weeks after this I had another test of attachment. A student asked me to come outside and he started yelling at me. However, instead of walking away I decided to listen. Every breath he took I told him that I loved him. When he said something that made no sense, I said, "I care about you and I don't know what I would do without you here". He eventually didn't have an arguement, the fight inside him dissipated. I won by power of love. It didnt take him long to come back in the room.
A girl in my class needed help being removed from an abusive relationship, and I made it happen. Another student told me that without my class, he has nothing. One boy was recently moved to a youth shelter in another town. A social worker he doesn't really know drives him to school everyday, and he appologizes for being late. He appologizes for being late!
I've decided that I'm just going to keep on caring. You really can't go wrong with love, and if I lose a kid or two along the way, at least I touched their hearts and they will be better people because of it. This job will be the end of me, but it is also the only me that I know...and I truly love it.
