As I sat there, I was able to remove myself and look in from the outside on the situation. My son, his vice principal/favorite coach, his favorite teacher, and myself in a cozy little lamp lit room. This is the second time in 13 years of public education that I had been pulled into school due to my son's negative choices. I didn't even really realize the extent to which he was struggling. When you're very close to someone and caught up in the fast speed of the days racing by, it isn't a natural thing to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. I sat watching as his principal/coach, a very special person in his life, stared him in the eyes. I watched her eyes well up with tears, and I saw the love in her face as I heard her say, "Please tell us...where is the happy, passionate boy that we all know and love?" My son was in a bad place, he was angry and stressed, sleep deprived from working too many night shifts, lacking commitment to his academics, and no longer involved in his passion from birth...sports. This meeting was his power circle, his life line....his gift.
Just last week I sat in a similar meeting. A student of mine is really struggling. When he does make it to class he won't do anything unless he is able to sit on the couch. If we leave to get coffee, or to go to the river, or the forest, or to bowl (and we leave a lot), he immediately swears and walks out the door...gone...there is no reasoning with him. We have recently had to stay back from exciting activities because he won't get off the couch. After a month of trying to get him to commit to my program, I had myself convinced that he should give up his spot and return when he is ready and willing to participate...for the sake of the other students. I called a power circle meeting. The only person to join our school team was an extraordinary Sto:lo youth worker who has taken this boy on because she happens to be his friend's youth worker. She started and ended the meeting with telling this boy's story. Until this moment I had not spoken with anybody involved in his life. Nobody cared enough to return my calls or make contact. I didnt realize that this is the first school experience that this boy has EVER had. I didn't realize that he wakes up in a household where nobody cares if he even wakes up at all. I didn't realize that his mother is so drug addicted that he is scared to talk to her in fear that he might connect, and then she might die and he will be heart broken. I didnt realize that he had just told this youth worker the other day that he loved my class. He loves my class. I found myself re-creating my entire program schedule to accomodate this boy. He will now come to class two days a week and I will be one hundred percent ready for his day on the couch. I will design these days around the couch because this is what success looks like for him right now...and we will go from there. A powerful change of direction.
Another boy I have had for two years now has been the center of several interesting power circles. I called a power circle when he was addicted to heroin, then another when he was addicted to crack, and another when he couldn't be in class without punching someone in the face. Most of these circles occurred in his home, and all of them focused on baby-steps to move him forward in his life. No lies, no consequences, no sugar coats....just a bunch of people who cared coming together to brainstorm achievable goals that everyone could follow through on. This boy is now a solid, committed and positive force in my classroom. The next power circle I will have for him will be to move him into the workforce...I never gave up.
This last week has tested my committment to these kids and to my program. I have always preached about the importance of student/teacher relationships. This week, the overwhelming realization that this is the whole entire thread of my program has hit me like a brick. As September ends and new kids come pouring into my class family, I am struggling to find balance. I have been working super hard to build new relationships with the students who still need to buy in, and through this process I felt like I was losing a couple who needed me more than I had had the time to give. There is one particular boy who always struggles with adjusting to the demands of school life coming back from summer vacation. He is now in his final year and we are extremely connected. I was up all night the other night because I haven't gotten him back from summer yet. This month he has come to class randomly, and just recently has had big trouble with the law. With all of these new relationships I have had to work on starting, I feel like Im losing him. On friday I texted him right before a power circle with another student. My text read, "We really need to talk". When I got out of the meeting, this boy was sitting outside of my room speaking with my assistant. He gave me a great big hug and said, "what do we need to talk about?" I was moved. He hadn't come to class all week, but as soon as I told him that we needed to talk, he dropped everything and came to see me. I really didn't have to worry, we're obviously still connected, the connection is positive, and I will succeed in getting him to attend full time very shortly...as always.
My struggle is simply that making connections with my students is hard work, and keeping these relationships solid and positive is even harder. I took a minute this week to take an outside look at what I do.....connecting. I make positive connections for a living. I can see how hard I work at this and how precious the relationships that I succeed in building are. I know that, like they do every year, all my connections will start to work together to create the full functioning family unit that I have succeeded in building seven years in a row. Im almost there.
So as I sat in my son's power circle, I took a minute to remove myself, and I was able to see the big picture. I saw my son, and I saw three very strong and influencial women cheerleading for him. My son had succeeded in making crucial positive connections that were now teaming up to help him achieve the balance and happiness that he deserves. A feeling of overwhelming pride came over me as I watched the meeting unfold. I heard my son open up, and I saw a team come together to change his current life. We developed a plan. We closed some doors on him and we opened up new ones. I already see the happy bounce back in his step.
Life is all about the power circle. Hats off to all the people who are reaching out to connect and create a positive bond with someone who needs it. True success is succeeding in creating a circle of people who will come together for you when things get tough. A circle of people who will vow to make changes in their own lives in order to help you make changes in yours. It takes a team. I now find myself asking, "Who is in my power circle?"
Saturday, 5 October 2013
Monday, 15 July 2013
I dont teach...I save lives...
Sometimes my students aren't ready to go when they reach graduation age. The flexibility of my program allows me to hold on to them until they are ready to go. Yesterday, a boy who I watched grow up, taught for four years, and held onto for an extra year, phoned me from the streets. He is now selling drugs to eat, sleeping at a bus stop, and he was reaching out to me to tell me he couldn't see anyway out...except for death. His voice held true and deep sadness, his words were heart breaking. I had tried so hard for so many years to save him, but his mental illness is his worst enemy, consuming his ability to function. As I sat listening and fighting back my tears, I wondered how a child goes through 19 years of life and the only person he can call to save him from ending his life is his teacher. So many important people who should have been there failed him. I talked him through it, I told him I loved him. Today his social worker told me I saved his life.
I saved his life.
Now that I have many students graduated I am starting to hear those words more and more. I am invited to their baby showers, birthday dinners, and family events. As my students grow older they are able to articulate to me exactly what got them through. One student said my class changed his perception of himself. He came into my program thinking he had no chance at doing anything in life, he graduated thinking he can succeed at anything. Another said their suicidal thoughts went away after only a few months of being in my class. Yet another called my classroom a bubble, and when she was in that bubble she was safe and she was happy.
This is a bubble that knows no grades, marks, or report cards. There are no desks. The only criteria for any given assigment is that all students must encourage eachother to complete every assignment that they start, all completed assignments are hung on the wall, and all wall hangings are praised. By the end of the year there is barely an inch of wall to cover and student artwork spills out of the room and into the hallways. This bubble knows only respect and positivity, and the prescribed learning outcome is love. Manditory support for eachother both inside and outside the classroom walls fosters a very tight knit family atmosphere. Family arguements are dealt with and talked out immediately. Even on the weekend, if my students are in an arguement I am immediately informed and if possible I mediate before the weekend ends. In this bubble, if a student has not had friends throughout his entire life, he does now...and not just any friends, very close ones. Report cards are positive conversations and hugs are a necessity. It is almost unheard of for me to call a meeting with a parent because of something negative. There may not be expository essays written, theorms solved,or grades passed, but this bubble teaches the true meaning of family and it will succeed in providing a model for my students to use in their homes as they grow into young adults.
My son came to my class for the day a few times when he was in middle school. He once said to me, "I dont know what it is about your room that makes me want to stay there, but whatever it is, that's the reason your students start liking school again." He couldn't quite put his finger on it, and he's right, it is near impossible to put into words what is the essence of my room. If I could catch it and stuff it in a bottle I'd make millions off of it. In 7 years of alternate room teaching there has never been a student ask to be removed from my class, and not one student has dropped out of it.
Three months ago my ex-husband lay drowning in depression within the dark confinement of his downtown apartment. He succeeded in defeating his addiction a year and a half ago and was now sad, lost and miserable. I was visiting him often and assessing his mental health. With each visit I would brace myself for the worst, I honestly thought he was going to kill himself. Then I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing?" How can I sit back and watch the father of my children drown in a sess pool of negativity and darkness while I run around saving everyone else from this same devastation? So I moved him in with me and built him a bubble. I watched in awe over the last two months as his whole entire being changed. His depression is lifted, his sparkle is back...he is alive again. His level of functioning is the highest I have ever seen it. I know for sure, with every ounce of my existence, that this is why I am here. The passion inside me is extreme and almost unexplainable. I build bubbles, I teach love, and in doing so...I save lives.
I saved his life.
Now that I have many students graduated I am starting to hear those words more and more. I am invited to their baby showers, birthday dinners, and family events. As my students grow older they are able to articulate to me exactly what got them through. One student said my class changed his perception of himself. He came into my program thinking he had no chance at doing anything in life, he graduated thinking he can succeed at anything. Another said their suicidal thoughts went away after only a few months of being in my class. Yet another called my classroom a bubble, and when she was in that bubble she was safe and she was happy.
This is a bubble that knows no grades, marks, or report cards. There are no desks. The only criteria for any given assigment is that all students must encourage eachother to complete every assignment that they start, all completed assignments are hung on the wall, and all wall hangings are praised. By the end of the year there is barely an inch of wall to cover and student artwork spills out of the room and into the hallways. This bubble knows only respect and positivity, and the prescribed learning outcome is love. Manditory support for eachother both inside and outside the classroom walls fosters a very tight knit family atmosphere. Family arguements are dealt with and talked out immediately. Even on the weekend, if my students are in an arguement I am immediately informed and if possible I mediate before the weekend ends. In this bubble, if a student has not had friends throughout his entire life, he does now...and not just any friends, very close ones. Report cards are positive conversations and hugs are a necessity. It is almost unheard of for me to call a meeting with a parent because of something negative. There may not be expository essays written, theorms solved,or grades passed, but this bubble teaches the true meaning of family and it will succeed in providing a model for my students to use in their homes as they grow into young adults.
My son came to my class for the day a few times when he was in middle school. He once said to me, "I dont know what it is about your room that makes me want to stay there, but whatever it is, that's the reason your students start liking school again." He couldn't quite put his finger on it, and he's right, it is near impossible to put into words what is the essence of my room. If I could catch it and stuff it in a bottle I'd make millions off of it. In 7 years of alternate room teaching there has never been a student ask to be removed from my class, and not one student has dropped out of it.
Three months ago my ex-husband lay drowning in depression within the dark confinement of his downtown apartment. He succeeded in defeating his addiction a year and a half ago and was now sad, lost and miserable. I was visiting him often and assessing his mental health. With each visit I would brace myself for the worst, I honestly thought he was going to kill himself. Then I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing?" How can I sit back and watch the father of my children drown in a sess pool of negativity and darkness while I run around saving everyone else from this same devastation? So I moved him in with me and built him a bubble. I watched in awe over the last two months as his whole entire being changed. His depression is lifted, his sparkle is back...he is alive again. His level of functioning is the highest I have ever seen it. I know for sure, with every ounce of my existence, that this is why I am here. The passion inside me is extreme and almost unexplainable. I build bubbles, I teach love, and in doing so...I save lives.
Friday, 10 May 2013
The Power of Love ...May 9, 2013.
He had truly changed his behaviors completely over the last year; he was the poster boy for my program. He loved school, he was thriving, and I was so proud of him everyday. Then, in an instant, everything changed. There was a gun...police...his life, my life... upside down. My poster boy could no longer attend class, and graduation will not be the same.
I know I preach about attachment in the alternate system and the need for teachers to take on the role of parent...I truly believe that this works. However, when a student is ripped out of my hands because of societal regulations and rules, I have to question my own system. At this point my attachment becomes toxic because I can't give my support at the time when I am needed the most. How completely unfair. I preach that I am there unconditionally, and then when society tells me I can't be there, I am forced to be neglectful. I had a very difficult time with this, and he suffered more than I did.
I questioned my teaching, I questioned my strategies, I questioned my beliefs, I questioned my job. I definitely mourned my loss. However, I quickly picked myself up....I had 15 other students who needed me.
A few weeks later, another student walked into my classroom at 9:15 am, he was angry and rude, as he usually is for the first 20 minutes of the day. I was alone with this boy in the kitchen. His bagel had just burned and I popped it up. I told him his bagel burned and he blew up on me like I was his worst enemy. He was so rude and hurtful and he called me a bitch…I had to turn away. I said, (looking the opposite direction) “you don’t have to be rude to me, I’m nothing but nice to you.” I walked out of the kitchen into my classroom, and he walked out the opposite door and into the rain; into a total downpour. He was gone.
An hour later, as my entire class was engulfed in art projects and the radio was pumping, this boy appeared in front of me in the classroom. He asked to talk to me. I brought him into my office and he lost control crying. He was sobbing into my shoulder. I could feel his tear drops running down my neck. He cried and he talked about his group home parents, and his real mom, and his whole life. He has so much pain.
It was right then that I realized that the only people in his life that he feels attached to are only in his life because they are working shiftwork (including me). I cried too. He ended with saying, “and I’m hungry and my shoes are wet.” Even though he was still crying when he said that, we both found the humor in it, and we laughed together. As I cooked him something to eat and dried is shoes, I thought about this boy’s day. Lucky I was there... Lucky I cared...Lucky I was attached.
A couple of weeks after this I had another test of attachment. A student asked me to come outside and he started yelling at me. However, instead of walking away I decided to listen. Every breath he took I told him that I loved him. When he said something that made no sense, I said, "I care about you and I don't know what I would do without you here". He eventually didn't have an arguement, the fight inside him dissipated. I won by power of love. It didnt take him long to come back in the room.
A girl in my class needed help being removed from an abusive relationship, and I made it happen. Another student told me that without my class, he has nothing. One boy was recently moved to a youth shelter in another town. A social worker he doesn't really know drives him to school everyday, and he appologizes for being late. He appologizes for being late!
I've decided that I'm just going to keep on caring. You really can't go wrong with love, and if I lose a kid or two along the way, at least I touched their hearts and they will be better people because of it. This job will be the end of me, but it is also the only me that I know...and I truly love it.
I know I preach about attachment in the alternate system and the need for teachers to take on the role of parent...I truly believe that this works. However, when a student is ripped out of my hands because of societal regulations and rules, I have to question my own system. At this point my attachment becomes toxic because I can't give my support at the time when I am needed the most. How completely unfair. I preach that I am there unconditionally, and then when society tells me I can't be there, I am forced to be neglectful. I had a very difficult time with this, and he suffered more than I did.
I questioned my teaching, I questioned my strategies, I questioned my beliefs, I questioned my job. I definitely mourned my loss. However, I quickly picked myself up....I had 15 other students who needed me.
A few weeks later, another student walked into my classroom at 9:15 am, he was angry and rude, as he usually is for the first 20 minutes of the day. I was alone with this boy in the kitchen. His bagel had just burned and I popped it up. I told him his bagel burned and he blew up on me like I was his worst enemy. He was so rude and hurtful and he called me a bitch…I had to turn away. I said, (looking the opposite direction) “you don’t have to be rude to me, I’m nothing but nice to you.” I walked out of the kitchen into my classroom, and he walked out the opposite door and into the rain; into a total downpour. He was gone.
An hour later, as my entire class was engulfed in art projects and the radio was pumping, this boy appeared in front of me in the classroom. He asked to talk to me. I brought him into my office and he lost control crying. He was sobbing into my shoulder. I could feel his tear drops running down my neck. He cried and he talked about his group home parents, and his real mom, and his whole life. He has so much pain.
It was right then that I realized that the only people in his life that he feels attached to are only in his life because they are working shiftwork (including me). I cried too. He ended with saying, “and I’m hungry and my shoes are wet.” Even though he was still crying when he said that, we both found the humor in it, and we laughed together. As I cooked him something to eat and dried is shoes, I thought about this boy’s day. Lucky I was there... Lucky I cared...Lucky I was attached.
A couple of weeks after this I had another test of attachment. A student asked me to come outside and he started yelling at me. However, instead of walking away I decided to listen. Every breath he took I told him that I loved him. When he said something that made no sense, I said, "I care about you and I don't know what I would do without you here". He eventually didn't have an arguement, the fight inside him dissipated. I won by power of love. It didnt take him long to come back in the room.
A girl in my class needed help being removed from an abusive relationship, and I made it happen. Another student told me that without my class, he has nothing. One boy was recently moved to a youth shelter in another town. A social worker he doesn't really know drives him to school everyday, and he appologizes for being late. He appologizes for being late!
I've decided that I'm just going to keep on caring. You really can't go wrong with love, and if I lose a kid or two along the way, at least I touched their hearts and they will be better people because of it. This job will be the end of me, but it is also the only me that I know...and I truly love it.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
ATTACHMENT: Why are we afraid of this?
"Well it helps when your teacher actually likes you." As I heard these words come out of my student's mouth, I realized I had heard them before, quite a few times actually. He went on to explain how it felt at his previous schools when teachers had blamed him, yelled at him, and hadn't heard him. In his own words he was telling me, and his social worker, that he has always felt as though he didn't have a voice at school, until now.
In September I really did not think this boy would make it. He was rude, loud, angry and arguementative in a complex way. I often felt threatened by him. However, something inside me moved me closer to him when his behaviors escalated. I listened harder instead of backing away when his voice became mean. Sure enough, he slowly began to change, both in my classroom and in his home. Six months later I am dealing with a completely different boy...and now I am hearing that he attributes his entire self makeover to the fact that he believes that I like him. How incredibly simple.
I recently listened to a talk about attachment by Gabor Mate. He spoke strongly about the main human drive being to attach to another human. He says our at-risk students are struggling because of the adult humans in their lives being unable to attach to them. Not having a strong human attachment causes lonliness and acute stress. Stress manifests into all kinds of sicknesses, disorders and learning disabilities. In order for the alternate children of the world to start to succeed and learn, they first have to attach to an adult human. As an alternate teacher, I have to be that human. His words really hit home with me because I was born innately knowing and practising this, but I have always felt like I am being taught to not attach to my students. Don't get too close, don't hug them, dont give them your last name, don't actually get into their lives, stay distant....just teach. But I was born with the gift of connection, and I know for a fact that these kids dont truly learn until they are so close that they are calling me mom. I have concrete proof that Gabor is one hundred percent correct.
After Gabor spoke, a handful of teachers questioned him about attachment. They asked questions like, "What excersises can you give us that will fascilitate attachment and connection in the classroom?" Seriously? This is where we are missing the point. There is no lesson plan for love. If a student truely believes that you like them, they will attach. So the question should be, "How do I show a student that I truely like them and still be professional?" As alternate teachers we need to be able to step outside of the box that tells us not to show love for our students. All they need is love. All anybody needs is love.
A student showed up to my class the other day in brutal shape. She had been drinking all night, she was in pajamas, and she had a pitbull bite on her leg that was massive. She said she was feeling awful, but she woke up after a night in emergency and demanded to be driven to school because she needed her family right now. Her family... her class. She just wanted to be hugged and she needed the attention and the attachment that her classroom has to offer. Love.
Today, as we do often, we turned our classroom into a restaraunt. We cooked tacos. Thirteen students contributed to the meal, and each student embraced their contribution with more than open arms. We had the music pumping; we were singing, laughing, joking, dancing, and cooking together. We sat down to a family dinner (a term the kids coined themselves) and ate. As I sat there and watched my little darlings passing the food around, saying please and thank-you and sorry when they swore, and laughing so so much, I actually truely felt the love. It was tangible and thick. My classroom is in love. My kids are attached. There is not one student excluded. I am very proud of this.
I tell my students that I love them, because I actually do. I have seen first hand what love can do to change behaviors. I think if you interviewed my students you would find that every single one of them feels like I really do love them and that I would go out of my way to help them. Academics and curriculum is not actually all that important in the grand scheme of things. What is important is love, and we cant buy a text book for that.
In September I really did not think this boy would make it. He was rude, loud, angry and arguementative in a complex way. I often felt threatened by him. However, something inside me moved me closer to him when his behaviors escalated. I listened harder instead of backing away when his voice became mean. Sure enough, he slowly began to change, both in my classroom and in his home. Six months later I am dealing with a completely different boy...and now I am hearing that he attributes his entire self makeover to the fact that he believes that I like him. How incredibly simple.
I recently listened to a talk about attachment by Gabor Mate. He spoke strongly about the main human drive being to attach to another human. He says our at-risk students are struggling because of the adult humans in their lives being unable to attach to them. Not having a strong human attachment causes lonliness and acute stress. Stress manifests into all kinds of sicknesses, disorders and learning disabilities. In order for the alternate children of the world to start to succeed and learn, they first have to attach to an adult human. As an alternate teacher, I have to be that human. His words really hit home with me because I was born innately knowing and practising this, but I have always felt like I am being taught to not attach to my students. Don't get too close, don't hug them, dont give them your last name, don't actually get into their lives, stay distant....just teach. But I was born with the gift of connection, and I know for a fact that these kids dont truly learn until they are so close that they are calling me mom. I have concrete proof that Gabor is one hundred percent correct.
After Gabor spoke, a handful of teachers questioned him about attachment. They asked questions like, "What excersises can you give us that will fascilitate attachment and connection in the classroom?" Seriously? This is where we are missing the point. There is no lesson plan for love. If a student truely believes that you like them, they will attach. So the question should be, "How do I show a student that I truely like them and still be professional?" As alternate teachers we need to be able to step outside of the box that tells us not to show love for our students. All they need is love. All anybody needs is love.
A student showed up to my class the other day in brutal shape. She had been drinking all night, she was in pajamas, and she had a pitbull bite on her leg that was massive. She said she was feeling awful, but she woke up after a night in emergency and demanded to be driven to school because she needed her family right now. Her family... her class. She just wanted to be hugged and she needed the attention and the attachment that her classroom has to offer. Love.
Today, as we do often, we turned our classroom into a restaraunt. We cooked tacos. Thirteen students contributed to the meal, and each student embraced their contribution with more than open arms. We had the music pumping; we were singing, laughing, joking, dancing, and cooking together. We sat down to a family dinner (a term the kids coined themselves) and ate. As I sat there and watched my little darlings passing the food around, saying please and thank-you and sorry when they swore, and laughing so so much, I actually truely felt the love. It was tangible and thick. My classroom is in love. My kids are attached. There is not one student excluded. I am very proud of this.
I tell my students that I love them, because I actually do. I have seen first hand what love can do to change behaviors. I think if you interviewed my students you would find that every single one of them feels like I really do love them and that I would go out of my way to help them. Academics and curriculum is not actually all that important in the grand scheme of things. What is important is love, and we cant buy a text book for that.
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